Give Me A Chance To Hold On

It was hard for him to sit and watch her crumble slowly into nothing. To fade from existence. To become a sort of shell of her former self. He began to question himself, though his troubles never broke through his optimistic facade that he wore carefully around her.

Was he being selfish for keeping her? Was he the reason she was so unhappy?

Of course it was. He was the reason for all her sorrow and grief she had been suffering from all along. He had just forced himself to remain blind to it all along. He would not allow himself to even think of such a thing.. To think hurt. And true pain was something he hadn't felt in so long that when it began to prickle and prod at him, that when it stared him in the face, he blocked it out.

He was truly a selfish, vain creature.

-----

He stood in the doorway of the kitchen, watching Bella with veiled eyes as she went to the table where a note lay waiting for her. He all ready knew who it was from, the scent screamed of a human mingling with werewolves, like she had smelled once so long ago. He flinched lightly, though he had tried to conceal it, as her trembling hand reached out to pluck it from the table top. Too quickly. Her movements screamed of desperation as she opened it slowly, trying to hide her hope from Edward. But he knew exactly who she wanted that note to be from.

He watched as the brief spark of hope faded from her eyes just as quickly as it had appeared. The paper fluttered away from her hands and he had grabbed her before she could hit the floor. He glimpsed the delicate handwriting of a female and the words she had written on the note as it lay on the floor, open and exposed to peeping eyes such as his own.

Jacob's gone for... a while. Thought you should know.

He felt a stab of anger twist in his gut but he repressed it until it was just a smoldering lump of coal that filled his stomach with black acrid smoke. It was getting hard for him to breathe. He laughed lightly, a harsh, bitter sound, and reminded himself he did not need to breathe. Breathing was for humans.

And was most certainly not a human.

He started up the stairs to lay the one girl that made him feel even remotely mortal down on her bed. He lay down beside her like a faithful watchdog, fingers running over her small hand, tracing over the engagement ring he had given her before brushing them over her cheek lightly. She looked pitiful. The expression on her face was gut wrenching, it made his breath catch in his throat. She seemed so.... Heart broken...

Was he making a mistake..?

------

She awoke not long after he had laid her down. She was upset, almost frightened in a way, and the way she looked at him with the pain so sharp, so fresh in her eyes made his heart ache. He knew this was the pain of her love for Jacob. He could not stand to see that look in her eyes. He had to steel himself against the need to look away from her, to stare at something else. She did not know of the hold she had on him.

He complied and even offered to take her to the line before she could even ask him of it. He knew it's what she wanted, what she needed, to do and he knew that this time he was not going to be able to stop her. He wouldn't even dare too. Jacob was important to her. Jacob had rescued her when he had failed her. They walked to the car in silence, Edward guiding her with a gentle, coaxing arm wrapped protectively around her shoulders.

She pleaded for him to speed up and he gave her a look as if she had gone completely mental. Usually she was always begging for him to slow down but.. he understood her urgency, he understood it well. He just nodded and went as fast as he felt he needed too, eyes focusing on the road though he didn't really need too. He just had no idea where else to look and he didn't want to look at her. He didn't want to see the agony that was so blatant upon her face, the constant tears that welled in her tormented eyes.

All though the ride was short, the silence in the car stretched for years. It smothered him. He was drowning in the unspoken words.

As he watched her leave the car and cross the line where he could not follow after, he knew he had lost her. He knew that she was gone from him forever after that day and all he could do was cling to her like the selfish, vain creature.

He needed her more than she had once needed him.. He could not let her go...

-----

When he walked through the door and caught Alice's gaze, her one look told him everything he needed to know. Her eyes were rimmed red, even a little puffy... She had been crying, something he yearned to do yet could not bring himself to do so, and she had seen what lay ahead in their future. As had he. He just offered her a rueful smile and she choked back a sob, averting her gaze quickly and holding her nose with her tiny hand.

"It's okay," he soothed, though he did not know why he was the one comforting her, "it's okay, Alice.." and she just shook her head, moaning a soft protest before disappearing up the stairs and into her room. He remained where he was, silent, his mind reeling.. He could not follow after her.. He stared at the piano opposite of him for a long while, the piano where he had first played Bella her lullaby, and remembered the way she seemed so happy, so pleased, so utterly stunned that he had written her such a thing. The same melancholy smile that he had given Alice was still painted on his face as he went over and ran a finger down the keys before sitting quietly. He stretched his fingers, watching them as they spread, before he began to play the familiar melody.

Why was he doing this? What had compelled him to play his sweet Bella's lullaby?

It wouldn't bring her back to him. As much as he willed her to be his, to be wholly his, it would not happen. Once he had left her for those dreadfully long months, he had lost her. She would never come back to him like he had wanted. She was not his Bella, she was Jacob's Bella. When she had found him in Volterra, he had known that part of her was still back in La Push, where he could not go to retrieve the rest of her. He could not pass those lines.. Not because it would start another war but because he knew, deep down in his heart, that Jacob Black made her happy. Something he had failed to do. And he could not tear that away from her.

He called her after what seemed like hours. The way she snapped at him made him shudder, "No, Edward, I will not be leaving tonight." He hadn't even said a word before or after she hung up. His expression was blank as he snapped the phone shut but the emotions inside him raged and stormed. They twisted and gnarled his organs until he was left doubling over and gasping quietly.

He didn't even remember throwing the phone or watching it shatter to millions of pieces.

He was up in his room before anyone had time to come down and see what was wrong. He knew he would not be able to handle the sympathetic stares his family would give, the small apologies, the comforting hugs that would not even begin to comfort him. They would act like they would know how he would feel when in reality they had no idea. They could not even begin to fathom what it was like to be loosing apart of your...soul...

To be loosing it to another man. To lose it to an enemy. One that he could imagine laughing triumphantly as he received his prize. One he imagined with the victorius "I-told-you-so" look in his eyes. He would be so arrogant when Bella went back to him, though he would not show it around her. He would laugh at Edward on the inside. He would damn the vampire for even beginning to think that he ever stood a chance against him.

Bella was Jacob's all along.

The words stung him. They sliced him open with one long, cool blade and left him numb in their wake.

-----

He was waiting in her bed when she stumbled in, eyes unfocused and looking as if she were about to snap at any given moment. He sat up, his movements too stiff, too unnatural, though she did not even notice. He pulled her onto the bed before she could fall off her unsteady feet and into his arms. He did not speak when she began to cry and they both knew that he knew exactly why she was crying. He stroked her hair in a comforting gesture, closing his eyes and listening to her sobs. Each one stabbed him, each one stung at him, and he hated himself for not being able to stop her tears.

When she could manage to breathe, she gasped, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." the words made him flinch inwardly and question how sorry she truly was. Did she understand how much pain he was suffering through as well? Did she know how much it tormented him to see her so upset and to not be able to comfort her like he once was able to?

He just shook his head, as if trying to shake away his thoughts and her apology, and said, "Don't. I understand."

He understood more than she could ever know.

"I love you," she sobbed. He smiled bitterly against her hair and he closed his eyes, holding his breath. Those words rang empty to him.. She did not mean it. She was saying it for his sake.. So why did he still believe her? Why did it hurt to believe her? But for a brief instant, the warmth of her words shattered through the gnawing emptiness that consumed him.

"I do," she stated, making him believe that she was trying to convince herself more than him.

"I love you," he said quietly. And he had meant it.

The coming weeks were nothing but blurs to Edward. He kept his usual compusure, not showing anyone the pain he was living through, though he knew that Alice could see past his careful mask. He wished she couldn't. It was like a plague the way they could connect. He avoided contact with her, with all of his family, as long as possible. He couldn't stand their stares, as if they knew exactly what was going on. But today he knew he would not be able to avoid Alice. She was sitting with Bella and himself, all three discussing something about the wedding. Floral arrangements, seating arrangements, table clothes.. They were all meaningless to him in the end. He was hardly even paying attention himself and he knew that Bella had locked herself in her mind with her memories of Jacob. Every now and then, he could see her delicate fingers clinging to the small werewolf charm Jacob had made her and every time he looked, a fresh wound was cut into him but he could not bring himself to stop.

He did not know why.

Alice's question that she had directed towards Bella, "Are you okay?" snapped him out of his thoughts and he looked at Bella as she glanced at him. Those empty eyes scared him but he could only smile, one that would tell her that everything was okay when everything was clearly falling apart.

"I'm a fan of lilies," Bella said, though her answer, as they had been for the past couple of weeks, just seemed automatic. He cringed, though she did not see the subtle movement, at her choice.

Alice only laughed, "You can't have lilies at your wedding. Lilies are for funerals." At her words, they all sat up a little straighter because they all knew that that's what the wedding really was. A funeral in disguise. The air was awkward, smothering, and no one made eye contact. Especially not Alice or Edward. Edward did not want her to see what was going through his mind.. She did not want her to feel the agony he had been suffering through. She was all ready upset enough.

His days went by like this. He dreams of something that never will be and only comforts Bella in something he know will be a reality.

He watches her slip away from him, slowly, and when he grabs out to pull her back in to him, his fingers only brush against her hand. She's moving too far away from him and he is anchored to his past with her, held back by what they used to be.

-----

He studied her quietly, watching her fall back into another daze, her sullen face blank. His brows knitted together as he swallowed back the burning lump in his throat and he reached out and shook her gently.

"You need to wake up," he said seriously. As he was saying this to her, it struck him that he needed to wake up himself..

He needed to wake up. He needed to open his eyes and wake up to the harsh reality and stop tormenting Bella. If he loved her, he would let her go.. But he couldn't bring himself to do so. He wanted so much to open her eyes, to have her look into his, to make her understand how much he needed her. How he could not live without her. But as much as he wanted this, it would never happen. He was just lying to himself and in the end he knew it would all come crashing back down on him. He constantly questioned himself on why he was staying behind. He would tell himself it was for her sake.. But he knew it was for more of his sake than hers. He knew that once she was gone, he was gone, and there would be no more meaning to his life.

He was afraid.

"He promised," she whispered and she seemed to regret her words as soon as they escaped her lips. Edward just sighed and whether it was an aggravated sigh or not, neither of them knew. He had been so good with her lately. He never even frowned at the mention of Jacob like he once used too and all snide remarks he ever had were forgotten in an instant. Perhaps because he had numbed himself to the name, trained himself to not flinch. He didn't want her to know how that name truly made him feel...

"Promised what, Bella?" he asked, just to humor her. He didn't really want to hear it but maybe if he did.. maybe it would help him wake up. Maybe it would help him to understand that he needed to let go of her. He watched as she shifted her gaze to their shoes and he looked away from her as well, feeling as if he could not look at her even if he wanted to.

"He promised he would never hurt me."

Those words made Edward close his eyes and repress another sigh. It wasn't Jacob that had started this.. It was him.. He was causing all this unnecessary sadness. Bella even thought it was her own fault. How naive she was. He was the reason, the cause, of all of it. He had kept Bella to himself and now he had seen the harm he had done. And he knew that he was the one that was going to have to fix it all..

And he knew how to fix it but he just did not know how to make himself fix it.

Though he was still there for her, he felt a million miles away. She had even turned to Mike Newton for help. Newton! The very idea was baffling to Edward but then Bella must have felt guilty for always crying around him.

When the sun filtered through the window, she awoke almost instantly, as if she hadn't even slept. Of course, she was always like this.. She always seemed to be in a perpetual state of sleep where Jacob ruled her thoughts and Edward was not even remembered. He watched as she looked up at him and whispered, "I am so sorry. I can't seem to stop."

He shook off her apology and said, "I know." and meant it.

He saw her smile sadly and he struggled with himself to give her the crooked grin that she always loved. He hated himself for not being able to force one out and she saw that he couldn't. This only made him loathe himself even more. He listened silently when she told him she was going to have lunch with Mike Newton and just nodded, hugging her goodbye and kissing her as well. Both gestures seemed terribly empty and fake to him and he could only pray that Bella did not notice.

-----

She was back at La Push, back searching for the part of her that made her whole. That would stop the pain that he could not cure, no matter how hard he might try.

It was eating away at him.

He felt betrayed, as if she had betrayed his trust, as if she had fooled him into believing that she could actually love a monster like him. He was so stupid to ever doubt what he was, to even begin to think that something of warm flesh and blood could ever love him. Why? Why hadn't he just stayed in Alaska instead of coming back? Why did her blood have to sing to him? Why was she his drug?

Is this what if felt like to be an addict? To be sweating it out in rehab, craving the drug of choice every minute of every day, with your body begging for the delicious high that you could delude yourself with, that you could escape your cruel, harsh reality with? They said that addicts were always in recovery, that they always walked the dangerous line of relapsing.. He felt as if he were drowning, like he was sinking into the vast pit of quick sand and he could not get out. No one could save him, not even himself... He needed that fix. That high. And he knew he was never going to get it.

He sat in his bed, the bed he had bought for the both of them, and gazed unseeingly up at the ceiling. The more he stayed with her, the more pain he brought to the both of them.. He knew this but he could not comprehend it. He was begging for clarity, something that would make him see that he just needed to let go.

It never came.

-----

She was smiling. It had been the first time in weeks that he had actually seen her smile and he knew exactly why she was smiling.. For days now, he would lay with her in bed and listen to her cry out for Jacob. He never said a word but could only pull her closer to himself. He was destroying her.

He was a monster.

He asked her in a pleasant tone what she was smiling about, though he all ready knew, and watched as her jaw flexed. She did not respond.

Her silence was answer enough.

-----

One morning, she had woken up and looked at him curiously before peering around her room. She seemed confused and flustered, though he did not know why. He gazed back with a small smile, unsure of what was going on but none the less slightly happier by the change of her mood.

And then the happiness faded away just as soon as it had sparked when she turned to him and asked, "What am I supposed to be doing?"

There it was. His clarity. The thing he had been waiting for all along.. It all came crashing down on him so that the only thing he could do was stare at her for a few dreadfully long moments and she gazed back, seeming even more confused.

"You won't marry me," he said finally, almost like it was a demand. She blinked, seeming bewildered.

"What?" she asked.

"I'm not going to force you to, and no, this is not me using reverse psychology on you, Bella," he stated, his eyes accusing. It hurt him to say it but it all came rushing out before he could stop to think of what he was actually he saying. Could he go through with this? Could he.. could he live without her?

She glared at him, "Don't I have a choice in this?" her question stabbed at him and he felt his heart drop. He laughed inwardly.. She was so naive, so human.. He gave her the same look he had given her in the car when she had asked him to speed up. It was the look of the sane watching the insane. He could hear the bitter giggle dying in her throat.

"Bella," he said, in that hushed, secluded voice that almost had a plea to it. The one that could make her heart stop. That could make her forget how to breathe. He reached out and brushed his cool fingers against her warm cheek, "Bella, you all ready made the choice. The only one who won't accept it is you." What a liar he was.. He could not bring himself to accept it until this very moment! He couldn't even fathom bringing himself to part from his true love.

He sighed and leaned away from her, saying quietly as he did so, "And I'm too selfish to leave." He was admitting it to her. He was admitting the whole entire reason that she was in pain to her yet she still could not see it. Sometimes, he really did hate her for being so mortal.

He turned his face away from her, murmuring something about how he was going home. He did not kiss her nor hug her nor tell her that he loved her. He could not do it..

As he walked through the doors of his home, he passed Alice but did not look at her. Somehow, she all ready knew..

He needed to get away, needed to clear his mind, to rethink things over one last time. He told Bella he was going on a hunting trip though the unspoken words where in his eyes and he knew that she saw them.

I need to get away from this. You.

-----

September was growing near. He hadn't told her but he had known she enrolled in a community college in Forks. She was rooting herself here, she was lost to him forever. Yet he still remained by her side, still afraid to leave her, afraid of what would become of both of them. He told her that she was whispering of Paris in her sleep then laughed and asked if she would like to go. She only stared at him blankly, seeming horrified, before smiling sadly. He smiled too, though, he was crumbling.

And then one night, he heard it.

She whispered in her sleep and he knew it was directed towards him.

"Why haven't you left me? You don't deserve this?"

He snapped awake at those words and everything just seemed to fall in place. He needed to leave, to get away from her, to allow her to be happy. He vaguely recalled him telling her that he was a danger to her. That was before he left her.. Before he left her to Jacob. She still didn't seem to understand that he was a danger to her, that he was killing her slowly without actually killing her. It hurt him. The pain blossomed and swelled until he could not take it any more.

He cried quietly, for the first time in months, and she did not even wake. For that, he was thankful. He did not want her to see him breaking down. He could not bare to have her in any more pain because of him. He held himself instead of her as the traitorous tears dampened his cheeks and her pillow. Every now and then he would reach up to wipe them away with the back of his hand, like a child would, but it was all fruitless. They just continued to come.. He swallowed back the loud, pain ridden sobs and was even afraid of the small gasps that escaped his lips, afraid that she would wake up and try to comfort him when they both knew she could never even bring comfort to him again. Just like he could not comfort her either..

When she awoke, it was long after he had stopped crying. He gazed at her and she shrank away slightly, as if she knew he had heard her.

"Despite how your feelings have changed – and don’t protest, I’m not stupid – my feelings are still unshaken. And even if I could leave you, Bella, I know what happened last time I left." His voice was cold or perhaps even indescribable. He didn't want to say this but he had too. He knew it was for the best. He knew that this would save her.. "I can’t do that to you again. Especially now. Last time you had Jacob. And –" he stopped himself.

She was silent for a long time and he stared at her, waiting patiently for her to respond. When she did, it didn't even shock him or phase him.

"I'm sorry."

It wasn't an apology that said she was sorry for speaking in her sleep. No.. this apology simply said, "I'm sorry to do this to you, but I have too."

Edward just nodded and his jaw didn't even set like he expected it too. He understood exactly what she meant and he was sorry, too, that he had caused her so much grief and sorrow. He felt a weight lift from him and he knew it was because he had just set her free. But, in that instant, everything came crashing down on him. All his fears had come true and it was all he could do to keep himself running from her without so much as a goodbye.

"I'll be gone before you even leave," and even though he was so well at hiding his emotions, he could not hide how she had just destroyed him.

He was out the window and running through the forest back towards his house before she even had time to blink.

When he burst through the doors, more unshed tears welled forth and stained his pale cheeks. Alice was standing there and she smiled ruefully, holding out her arms to him. The rest of his family was close by, he knew, and he felt as if they knew exactly what had been going on. All the things he had hidden from them for so long suddenly seemed out in the open. He went to Alice, a low sob escaping his lips and he clung to her tightly, not afraid to hold her like he always had been when he held Bella. She clung to him as well, crying silently and whispering to him how Esme and Carlisile all ready had a plane booked for Alaska.

"I want to go to Volterra.." he murmured helplessly before he could even stop himself. Alice sobbed loudly, knowing exactly what he meant by those words and her steel-force grip only tightened around his hips.

"You can't, you can't, I won't let you!" she hissed. "We're you're family, Edward, and we will help you get through this..!!" he squeezed his eyes shut and a sigh shuddered forth from his body.

-----

He held his face up to the warm sun, hiding in the deep shadows of the alley in Volterra he had once hidden in before. A light breeze danced around him and he smiled gently, loving how the day was so beautiful. He stretched, eyes fluttering open slightly as he slid out of his shirt and discarded it, knowing he would not need it again. He watched the sun for a few moments before readying himself, smiling his heart-melting crooked smile as he slowly began to walk out off the alley and into the crowded square.

"Edward..! Edward!" a voice called to him, one that sounded so sweetly familiar but it was not the voice of his Bella. It was the voice of Alice.. The one he tried so hard to hide his plans from. He would not let her ruin them now. He stepped fourth, pushing past the crowd, and they gasped as the sun bounced off his skin and rainbows danced around him. He glimmered, he shined, he was not human and so he did not deserve to live. How foolish he was for ever thinking he could once be even remotely human. He knew that in the end she would leave him. So why had he fallen so hard for her?

He laughed aloud as people began to scream. If it was in fear or in delight, he was not sure, and he did not even have time to think. Cool hands grabbed him and he was pulled out of the warmth of the crowd and into the cool shadows of the alley. In just a moments time, he was in front of Aro and someone was begging for his mercy, for Edward's sake, that he did not know what he was thinking. That he was not in his right mind.

"I knew exactly what I was thinking," he sneered, looking up at Aro, dark topaz eyes glittering with unmasked bitterness and loathing before repeating himself, "I knew exactly what I was thinking."

There was suddenly someone on top of him and then a loud outburst of snarls broke shattered through the coaxing voices. Something had happened and he was not even aware of it. His mind was back with Bella, his Bella, and he was happy. He was floating in his void of happiness, his perfect little world that he had longed for. This was it. He knew he would never be happy without her.

He laughed aloud again, his laughter floating above the chaos, and he didn't even feel it when they began to rip him apart.

No. He was lost.. And he would never come back.


Fin

*****

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